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the die is cast [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
// in the midst of consciousness and absence.

[ the soul | z i e l ]
[ the past | h i s t o r y ]

fail again... [December 3rd. 2009|12:00 pm]
[m o o d | disappointed]
[t u n e |如果沒有你 - 蕭敬騰]

Urgh!!! DAMMIT! i fail again! =(
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mugging~! [November 30th. 2009|10:52 pm]
[m o o d | chipper]
[t u n e |倒帶 - 蕭敬騰]

Its been a busy long weekend. Shopping for presents are sucking my pocket dry, but the shopping part is good (though I'm super broke now). The weekend is over, now, have to do intensive mugging for JLPT. =_=

Funny thing that happened recently, is that, many people are trying to match-make for me, introducing whoever friend or relative to me. Hmmm... am I really that bad with finding my own guy? But I really don't mind being single. =) Oh wells, dear Buddha (or Allah or God or whoever is there for me): "Please hear my prayer. Let an interesting, intelligent and polite guy appear in front of me soon, so that I wouldn't need people to do match-making for me. And it would be a plus if he can differentiate geek from nerd, and punk from goth." X> (But I still prefer to be alone.)

Mugging start-to! *_*
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=) [November 27th. 2009|10:17 pm]
[m o o d | hyper]

Okay... someone said my blog very emo. But actually I'm just frustrated, not emo. Anyway, here's something happy. Went shopping with family. Enjoyable day. =) Too lazy to elaborate.

Anyhow, HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUIYIN. =)
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why can't things be abnormal? [November 25th. 2009|02:04 am]
[m o o d | listless]
[t u n e |Into You - Dead by Sunrise]

I don't understand. Why can't people stop telling me what to do. Stop telling me what's right or wrong. Stop telling me what kind of things need to be done for another to happen. Why must everything has a norm? Why can't things just be abnormal?

The many people around me have been constantly telling me the standardized ways of doing things. Everyone has been behaving in such way, its so demoralizing, and its almost annoying. Maybe that's probably why I couldn't find many interesting people. Maybe that's why I couldn't get interested in things for too long. Maybe that's why nothing seems interesting anymore. Or maybe the problem is not about everyone, but myself. Because that's the norm. When everyone behaves the same way, the difference is the ab-norm.

I missed the childhood life. When we were so young, so innocent, and everything is new and interesting.

-I'm a man whose tragedies
-Have been replaced
-With memories
-Tattooed upon my soul
(Dead by Sunrise-Into You)
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procrastination is my greatest lousy friend. [November 19th. 2009|11:08 pm]
[m o o d | cold]
[t u n e |Turn it off - Paramore]

I realized I had been very tired for the past few months. No idea why, but there is never a break for me, it seems. Everyone is having their own little problems, nobody is willing to care too much about others. I have my problems, which is, I don't know what are the problems. Too lazy to do anything, yet trying so hard to finish up everything that is left undone. I'm working my best, yet people thought I'm just lazing away. Why do people look at things on the surface?

People like to generalize and stereotype things. As long as most people think its that way, it is. And so, what most people do or think becomes the norm. And people that do things differently are abnormal. But on what basis did they set as being normal or abnormal? Is it just like what a friend told me? That if everyone says that "Eating humans are right." Then, it becomes the norm?

What's wrong with my friend, that I couldn't help? What's wrong with me, that I couldn't help not helping? What's wrong with the world, that no one seems to help? I always asks a lot of questions. Yet answers are not for you wait for it to come out itself, they are for you to find out. However, procrastination is my greatest lousy friend after all.

- And the worst part is, before it gets any better
- We're headed for a cliff
- And in the free fall I will realize
- I'm better off when I hit the bottom
(Paramore - Turn it off)
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happy birthay, carrie. [October 22nd. 2009|11:22 pm]
[m o o d | geeky]
[t u n e |奋不顾身 - 蕭敬騰]

-i hold on to my left chest
-as the surprise grabbed me.
-there's an intense heart ache
-every time i think of him.
-an ache that makes no sound
-an ache that bleed no tears.
-like a part lost
-like a life drained.
-a pain that makes no sense
-a pain with no origin.
-like a wound with no bruise
-like a bruise that cannot heal.




HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CARRIE. WELCOME TO THE OLD WOMAN CLUB.


Exam's coming up! Competition's next week! Celebrations this weekend! So many things to do, so little time to finish them. I wish, 72hours a day. I wish, I don't need so much sleep.
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the dead lives, and the living dies. [October 13th. 2009|08:27 pm]
[m o o d | cold]
[t u n e |我不會愛 - 蕭敬騰]

I'm really tired.

I've been distanced. Never really contact my friends except those close ones. I hope I have more time for my friends, and that they have time for me. But I don't have the strength.

And I think about him again. It's weird. How clearly I still remember his face, yet I know nothing about him. A neighbor in class, an accompany in camp, and a friend in life. But I don't know what kill him. I don't know what broke him. I don't know how to help him. I did not help him. It seems, that the dead lives, and the living dies.

And now, I can't help another friend.

My head aches. My stomach cramp. I feel like crap.

My co-workers are really nice, but the work is darn boring. My mind is made, but my body is slipping off. I feel so sick, but I don't feel sad.


//And I know what I want.
//Because I know what I want.
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(no subject) [October 12th. 2009|08:53 pm]
[m o o d | working]
[t u n e |Playing Gog - Paramore]

Sometimes, simplicity seems the hardest. I can never imagine, before, that its that difficult to tell someone to eat. Life has not been easy. Why make it harder?

Been reading about Nostradamus, whether its freaky coincidence or not, I think the end of world doesn't really mean doomsday. I think, it means evolution. Maybe humans are evolving again. Think carefully, its probably time for us to move on. Stuck in a world we thought we had always ruled, while in fact we are being ruled by the nature. Not by Gods, but by ourselves.


//Evolution means the beginning of an ending.
//The end of the world is the beginning of life.
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to fly. [October 12th. 2009|12:58 am]
[m o o d | exhausted]

Its sad. When your friends are having setbacks and you couldn't help. Its depressing. When you should stay on land and you wish to fly. Its hard. When you want to keep trying and you only ended up losing everything.

Have been working hard, trying to earn some money. Have to continuously revising, trying to score something in the coming exams. And, I end up beaten and tired. I want to give up. But what is there to receive to give up?

If I have three wishes, I wish I could have more time, more sleep, and more dreams to see. So many things, with so little time.


//And I fly. But never away from the cage.
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it's been a long time. [October 6th. 2009|10:47 pm]
[m o o d | sore]

Hoo... it's been a long time. After assignments due date, coming up next is exam in three weeks time. And then, next it's JLPT 3 in Dec. Not gonna miss this one again. Anyway, I'm quite surprised that I got a credit for finance, but one more mark and its distinction. But I'm more worried about my assignments, don't think I will score well, just hope I don't fail.

Last week's Genting trip was cool. The last time I went Genting is probably 10 years ago. And its my first time to casino. Nothing special actually. Gamblers have no life. -shrug- And so are alcoholics. And smokers. And students. And... everyone. =___=

Come to think of it, I haven't been to school for a very long time. Harry and Charles' lessons are good. But work and procrastination are getting my way. Well, at least I always go for Mok's lesson.

Oh yeah, I just got a MacBook Pro. My poor Fujitsu is almost dead. Next I need a new phone.

Work is much more interesting now. But I wonder what will they let me do when Joan return from Perth. And with Madhurie back, they probably won't need a part time anymore. Guess I have to find a new job again. Oh damned! I hate the job hunting part!

cable car
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ridiculous world. [September 7th. 2009|08:26 pm]
[m o o d | happy]

Went to Yamada-san's house warming on Friday. Had a splendid authentic Japanese meal. =)Both Yamada-san and his wife are very nice host. My fellow co-workers are very fun-loving too. Even though I'm really not an accounts-admin person, but the people I'm working with are nice, that's what important. I really hate political-constraint environment.

Sunday went mugging with that extremely irritating lamer. She's like eating in every two hours. O_O" Such small build, yet she eats so much!

Today, I was so damn thirsty yet we are not allowed to drink even water in the train. This is like telling people, "Drinking water is wrong, if you really must drink, then too bad for you, get out of the train." Seriously, I think this country is getting very ridiculous. Water is not allowed in trains. The people are encouraged to marry young and have more babies, but on the other hand, foreign talents are welcomed. Foreigners are paid more than Singaporean for the same position. Everyone is so racist, yet they are being kept in the same circle. People with education are getting arrogant, like defining education means arrogance.

When you think about it, this world is a ridiculous place to begin with.









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what's the difference between 0 and 8? [September 1st. 2009|09:50 pm]
[m o o d | crazy]

IF test finally over. I got a very nice number, row 11 index 111. =) And most of the questions I answered A(1). Freaky coincident.

I'm still sick. Flu is getting worse in fact. But archery slight improvement. It really is the arrows fault. But we going to get our own arrows. Yuppie! =D

The rest of the week is going to be busy as well. But I'm kinda get used to it.


//I wish I have more money. (Who don't?)


JOKE OF THE DAY: What's the difference between "0" and "8"?

ANS: 8 wears a belt. =)


PS: Mok is too lame. But I like him. His class is fun! XD
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so sick. [August 26th. 2009|10:07 pm]
[m o o d | sick]

Managed to meet up with the deadline, but everything I wrote is bullshit. Now two down, 3 more to go. Every week is a due date or test, next week is IF, and so on. I'm so sick now, I don't even know if I can make it till then.


//And I thought I would break. But I am still here.
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the end of the world. [August 24th. 2009|11:46 pm]
[m o o d | sick]
[t u n e |Syndicate - The Fray]

It seems that I have become very busy recently, and I ain't feeling so good at all. I have another assignment due date coming in two days time, and I haven't even come out with the draft. Saturday went to play friendly match with the juniors and it turned out quite fun, but a disaster aftermath. And so, I'm left with extremely aching muscles. My throat hurts so much in just a night, following a dreadful running nose and painful cough. My head is spinning sometimes, and my stomach don't feel good too. And what makes everything worse is that I probably can't have much sleep these few days. When the world is busy with typhoon, H1N1 and recession, I'm here, sitting in front of my lap top, notes and text thinking of what makes a good leader. "Exciting" life huh?

Were discussing about apocalypse the other day, and recently, read this book by Haruki Murakami's Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World. It seems that sometimes when discussing about certain topic, I would have or would read about it from somewhere. If it is not coincident, then there must be a connection. It is predicted the end of the world is 21st December 2012. But there are some many predictions about the end of the world, which of it is real?

But really, who cares about what will happen to the world in three years time, when you don't even know if you will live the next second?

I'm leaving O'briens next month, gotta get on track with school and help up at folks' place. That would means a cut down in income, yet nothing change in work load and the absence of rest. Now that I come to think of it, maybe the end of the world isn't so bad... Oh wells, got side-tracked again. Back to leadership...
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under-productive. [August 18th. 2009|04:39 am]
[m o o d | restless]
[t u n e |Change your life - Anna Tsuchiya]

Deadline is a few hours time and I'm still being so under-productive. I am nowhere near ending the OT assignment, and now I'm stuck, again. At some point, I really feel like giving up on this essay. But on second thought, getting a fail is better than getting nothing at all. And so, I must, and I will have to continue on this essay.

Hell! Writer's block! T___T


//I wish, I hope, I pray, and I die for it.
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busy week. [August 11th. 2009|10:20 pm]
[m o o d | exhausted]

It'd been a busy week. Here's a vague summary:

Thursday - Work. Watched G.I Joe with Trinity.

Friday - Work. And that's tiring enough.

Saturday - Work. Watched UP with Carrie, Cassandra and Jia.

Sunday - Happy National Day! But still have to work. Went science center for the Da Vinci exhibition with Huiyin, Nic and Ziquan. I'm glad I went to the exhibition, Da Vinci is really a genius. Regretted for not going into the Lourve museum to look at Mona Lisa art work when I was in Paris a long time ago. If given another chance, I'm sure as hell I will visit the museum. And I wouldn't miss the catacomb again. Anyway, after the exhibition, went Cafe Swiss for buffet, which we had our discount. Thanks to Francis. =) At 20:22, everyone stood up for the pledge. Then, went singing with Cyrus, Jac and Jialing.

Monday - I was already dead tired. =___= Work. Then went out with Jiahui and Susan.

Today - School for the whole day. By today, I'm almost tired like hell. Then, its archery. Improvement, for no arrow flew away from the board. =)

So basically, its work, work, work and more work. After this week, I'm not going out anymore. From next Tuesday, it will be an assessment deadline for every week thereafter. Gotta push myself harder for school. And work, of course. Need money for overseas, and a new computer. And I really need a diet, and I'm still eating a chocolate eclaire puff now... T___T



//And when the flower starts to wither, the bud will be ready to bloom.

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officially an adult. [August 4th. 2009|11:27 pm]
[m o o d | cheerful]
[t u n e |East Jesus Nowhere - Greenday]

Yeah, am officially an adult. How I wish I could be a kid forever, but as a finance student, I know nothing worth forever, 30 years are the limit. Hehehe... Well, today passed by quite as usual. Went to school in the afternoon, and had a simple dinner with the usual two idiots, then went back home. I just realized, there's quite a lot of people that are born on 4th August. What a common date to come to the world. T__T Whatever...

Assignment date due coming up real soon, and I still have no idea what are we going to do with 3 group members. =_= Was worried about work before, now I'm quite confused to be covered with 3 different jobs, at three totally different places. Need more money to get my plan going, but at the same time, I don't wish to neglect my studies. Still have to think of ways to save for my school fees. Everything relates with money, and everything disappears along with money. What a world to be in... Capitalism is crashing the poor people, while the rich are turning crazier with their greedy souls, and yet that limitlessness is needed in the current society. I'm turning more and more into a postmodernist. Jeez... what a sore I am becoming. /_\

Anyhow, tomorrow gotta get back to the right track. Had my fun the whole weekend, its time for some seriousness in school and work.
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happy birthday to me. [August 2nd. 2009|10:58 pm]
[m o o d | happy]

Yesterday was awesome! I had a great day. From the afternoon, busy decorating the place, to the night packing and tidying the place and went singing after that. I really appreciated those who came over. And I want to thank all of them for coming, or had gave me either angbao or gifts. Everyone is so fun-loving. However, this is probably the first and the last time I'm going to hold a birthday party. Too much trouble for others, too much trouble for my parents, and too much money spent. And I was really scared, everyone looking at you is definitely not to my liking.

Anyhow, thank you guys. Love you all! And advance happy birthday to me.


By the way, I'm back to being a red head again. =)
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wish list... [July 30th. 2009|11:21 pm]
[m o o d | exhausted]
[t u n e |给爱人 - 萧敬腾]

Work, school, outing, work again.. school and again... outing again... =_= I'm dying of fatigue. Blisters on the legs, cuts on the hands, and bruises on the arm.. =( I'm covered with pain. Archery, no improvement. School, no motivation. Group, no progress. Work, no increment. Life, is tiring me out. Birthday, is a mystery. Hope everything goes well on Saturday. Frankly speaking, I'm regretting a little. I don't like to be the host or the central of attention. But still, what has to be done, has to be.

Wish list:
1. Get a little thinner;
2. Grow a little taller;
3. Have a little more money;
4. Develop a little more intelligence;
5. Get real. -roll eyes- T_T

THE REAL WISH LIST:
1. A bag;
2. A watch;
3. A wallet;
4. A macbook;
5. A violin.

6. A job;
7. A break;
8. A family outing;
9. A body massage;
10. A complete group (5-6 members);
11. A BIG FAT ANGBAO~!! XD


//And I shall have my rest for now...
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if nature is created by god, then nature is no longer natural. [July 22nd. 2009|12:16 am]
[m o o d | tired]
[t u n e |掉了 - 張惠妹]

Fatigue crept in with every second passed. Like consciousness faded off with every blood lost. I probably need a little rest now, but I couldn't afford the time and money.

Dad and uncle had a very serious argument. It seems that whatever my dad do, uncle would never be satisfied. When listening about the quarrel, I felt a pang of sadness and guilt. Dad is under a lot of stress with the new store location. Pressure from work and family are driving my dad nuts. As a daughter, I ought to understand, yet I probably would never do. And there is nothing I could do about it. I had failed as a friend. Had failed as a love one. Had failed as a student. And I have failed as a child. How many failures do it takes for one to learn? How many regrets to be made for one to make a right choice? It seems, I would never get that.

I'd mentioned, that everyone is telling what I should or should not do. But I realized, everyone is trying to control everyone to do things their way. Everybody is such a control freak. I once heard that, people need to be needed, if not they could not live. And I think that, people need to control others for them to live. Controlling the needs in order to be needed in controlling. Everything is turning round and round. Like the sun rising and the sun setting. Like the flower blooming and the flower withering. Like the sun eating up the moon and the moon eating up the sun. Its life this way, we said. Then, the question is asked again, so, "What is life?"

The question that is answered, is often being questioned again based on the answer given. And the cycle goes on and on... This is how the nature works. The cause becomes the effect, and the effect turns back to become the cause. If you tell me that God created us and everything else, then God would have created nature. But if nature is created by god, then nature is no longer natural. And if nature is the way god works, then the question is, "Does nature create god, or god create nature?" If they co-exist, then the question goes back again. I'm making myself confuse again. I would never understand religion and all. I believe in everything that is said, yet disbelieving them at the same time. It seems that philosophy is not my expertise after all. Or maybe, I may happen to be an expert in it. But whatever, there is no right answer anyway. Hmmm... before I know it, I may have become a supporter of Da Vinci and all other scientists. But I can't say I'm that interested in science. Oh whatever...

Oh tomorrow is the solar eclipse! The moon is eating up the sun.


//Even if tomorrow is the end of the day, today will still be a brand new day.
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